the different touch of love

Im confused....I always seperate them, seing two people maybe that is my mistake. I have to understand he is one man, he knows what he does when he is angry. Yet i fall for the tears and the apologies. Since the beggining. Because he doesnt hit me everyday, does that make it less of an abusive relationship? I dont know. He says he loves me very much and our son. Yet i found him taking a knife out on me and i was afraid i didnt want to believe he would hurt me.But i had my baby in my arms. He cried to me again saying how sorry he was and how much he loved me after he slapped me so hard that i could not hear for a bit. i got bruises from when he grabs me. he doesnt accept my individuality. And he often gets upset when i dont want to do as he ask. he calls me selfish. If i dont want to watch a movie with him he'll get mad most of our fight s our because of this. im so confused because now he is sweet but i just never know when he is going to be the monster that scares me.

Sleepwalking

i am out there in the dark watching life from a projector, i sometimes confuse them with dreams, that catch my spirit when im asleep.I have many things to treasure, yet i find myself apart from the gold at shore and on the rocks at sea. I know the map of life i will face obstacles and for wrong choices consequences. you can wear me around your finger and my mood would stay the same, because behind this smile is a sorrow waiting for a change. I want to have the faith that many do have even in those trying times your the first to laugh. My heart is torn for the many things i could not do over, for the many lives i could have saved if i placed them on my shoulders. Im not a selfish person in fact i care too often wondering if god had ever thought of making the earth a coffin. I despise with a passion the evil in this world,And yet that same evil surrounds me driving me into this nightmare i carry in my mind, Sleepwalking throughout the day, All unaware of the war not far behind, this canvas made of skin, the soul can not come out yet the evil can force its way in. My heart carries light that seems to be fading,im calling to god by the power of praying,and yet I am alone out there in the dark watching life from a projector, i sometimes confuse them with dreams, that catch my spirit when im asleep.

Another Day

What a day! None of my visits to lower east side to see grandma has ever been without drama. Seems my other brother Francis went bersirk on grandma and Ma. I dont call her mom because the women who raised me and worked her hardest for me has earned that title. Most of the time i call my biological mother Mary. Besides the fact that she is a crack user, and has a alternate personality. She has a good heart somewhere in that scrouny chest of hers.So besides that my brother blamed my grandma for christophers death,our younger brother.he cursed them and went to hit Mary but grandma got in the way. They filed a order protection on him, and we dont know where he went.But he left a message on grandmas phone that he knows the devil is coming for him and he doesnt want anyone crying over his coffin the way we did christopher. It bothers me that even through these difficult times he can not humble himself. We are all still grieving, even if we dont walk around crying. Sometimes i dont understand him and trying is becoming frustrating he is like a gemini, a person of two faces. He just got out of jail is he looking to go back in again. who knows. only him.

No, this is nothing out of the ordinary seems like for generations there has been a curse of some sort placed upon my family. The many stories i have. Mary turned into drugs when she was young and never broke the habit because she could not look over being raped by her uncle at 12.  Being abused at a young age is very difficult to get over because it will always live with you. i know because i was molested several years when i was young. But i forgave him, why? that question i can never answer without pause. the fact he was my grandfather maybe had something to do with it, becaus ei could never escape him, he was after all part of the family. My rebellious years came soon after. i forgave him, and i cant give you an answer why, maybe because i wanted peace in my heart and wanted nothing more than to move past it. Something my mother could not. She hates her abuser to this day. My brothers were abused, my sister, my dad, my uncle. Wonder how are minds are like there is a war in my head everyday but my heart takes alot of the blows because there is love even for those who have done evil and do not deserve it. Somethimes i wish i were coldhearted and selfish, because i would not feel hurt as often as i do. 

There are many stories i have and i want to start with my brothers story first since he has left us. It makes me feel better to talk of him because i love him dearly and im not ready to let him go.....

The Choice

She stood there with $800 dollars in her hand, and a $2,500 check also. In her  stomach was an urge  to runaway and  get high. the high that always took her away from this world, the high that took her away from everything,everyone. In her eyes were tears, a sorrow that carried guilt,fault, lost. She had a torn feeling in her heart, as she thought of her son. the son she did not raise but always had around as a companion. She had 9, nine companions. My siblings, her sons and daughters. They loved her even though she chose to live her life being wedded to a pipe that sucked the fat off her body and clouded the truth of reality. but her stomach turned, all she could do with this money, she would forget the pain her losing her son, the pain of burying him,and never seeing him again, not in this life, not in this earth. And on her own this women collected mounts of money and reguardless what people assumed she would do or what she thought she could do,she loved her children and her heart had not been that weak to the subtance the drug that took her away 30 years of her life. She put that money in the funerals hands.And watched her children grieve over a coffin, and family mourn at a burial. Im proud this women found strength over her addiction, and that love finally proved to be more powerful, even though the circumstances were cruel. We lost a brother she lost her son, my grandma lost a grandson and on it goes. We never hated her, we were never proud of her,we were angry, but we forgave her and we thanked her.For making the right choice and taking responsibility in a matter to powerful for anyone to take charge in. Because with that step comes a painful fairwell.

A brother lost in Violence

I lost my brother the 27th of september.Christopher Guiterrez fatally stabbed. I lost my brother. I lost him.;(

The phone rang like any other night, but the news hurt then any other news. it was one sentence, one was all it took. i fell apart in disbelief, it was made reality when i saw your face on the news,Now the family is all in mourning.

Today was fine, i didnt think much,except when i peered out the window i put my hand to my chest and began to grieve remembering your touch.

I had the feeling you were out there yet i knew you was gone, had you come to say goodbye in the mist of dawn.

i couldnt hold myself up when i thought of you, i couldnt bring myself down to let go of you. noone understands the good man you were. you became him on your own. Noone knows you grew up in a group home with no mom or dad. noone knows you born in prision, noone knows...but they are quick to judge but i know and in my memory is were you can always find a home. you were loving responsible and understanding and im going to miss everything about you, of you, in you, the joy to be around you.

The pain is deep in my chest it's a pressure that weighs down my heart.it's worst then suffocation here there is always another breath and that breath would be the cruel reality i am  without you. Still the love continues and i am to be without you. Missing all i ever knew could have known about you.

i dont hate the enemy that took your life i hate he had made that choice. i so wish in an urging dramatic, desperate way that both of you would have just walked away. He would be with his family and i will still have my little brother, whom i mourn and will mourn for the rest of my life.

Today i prayed and it was for you i know you in heaven and god has welcomed you. The hardest part is to move on with this life and wait my turn to see you in gods light. I dont want to let go i guess i never will, because in my memory and heart ill keep you because forever my love would be there, always was there here there still.

R.I.P Christoper Guiterrez

My little brother my Angel.I love you.

tRAPPED

He keeps telling me he loves me, I want to believe him as tears water up in his eyes. Im smiling when i speak to him trying to be strong and hide the person who is falling apart inside. He wants me to try but ive been trying for a couple years now and all i can see is him pushing me around. He tells me im not trapped here but i feel i am, i tell him to let me go to say it is best to do what my heart feels i must. But he keeps saying all he wants direguarding what i want. It wasnt much for me to ask him to control his temper i shouldnt have to see the monster claw me i shouldnt feel afraid of you, i shouldnt have to have another bruise because you lost ur mind....but your sorry, you always say your sorry. "it wont be like that anymore, give me another chance"he says. how many chances must i give before things get better, maybe they'll never get better maybe just worst. I know the feeling love could bring that is not what im feeling, inside im tearing, my heart feels like its under water, WHY CANT YOU JUST LET ME GO? iF YOU SAY YOU CAN CHANGE THEN DO SO BUT I DONT HAVE TO STAY, YOU PROMISED SO MUCH SO LITTLE I ASKED ANDYOU FAIL TO BE THE PERSON I BELIEVED YOU COULD BE. IM TIRED OF HURTING, THINKING OF HURTING MYSELF BUT I SEE MY CHILDREN CALL FOR ME, IF IT WASNT FOR MY CHILDREN I WOULD HAVE LOST MY SANITY. YOU DONT GIVE ME ROOM TO BREATHE, YOU WONT ACCEPT WHAT I NEED FROM YOU, YOUR THE VICTIM, IM THE SELFISH ONE. I STOOD WHEN YOU FIRST PUT YOUR HANDS ME I STOOD! ONLY BECAUSE I KNEW YOUR HEART BUT IT SEEMS YOUR TEMPER OVERSHADOWS THE GOOD PERSON THAT IS INSIDE OF YOU.THE PAIN IS UNBEARABLE, I CANT EVEN TALK ABOUT, MY HEART COULD LITERALLY SKIP A BEAT, IVE HAD ENOUGH ABUSE SINCE A CHILD.I NEVER FREED MYSELF I WAITED FOR MY ABUSER  TO FREE ME. IF IT IS SO YOU LOVE ME DONT KEEP ME HERE BY SAYING ALL THE REASONS WHY I SHOULD STAY,BUT ALL THE REASONS WHY YOU UNDERSTAND I SHOULD LEAVE.=(

heartbroken

What happens when you know your heart is breaking and yet your trying to keep it together. be strong for the better. Everything seems like it was sugarcoated and the true colors of things begin to show melting on your hands as chocolate, chocolate you used to love yet no longer desire.  looking  for a resolution telling yourself to forget to try and  to move on, why cant i?  i cant ignore  this pounding and crushing sensation in my chest. i cant even  cry anymore but i need to how else will i release these hurtful emotions that is piosioning my mind, my blood, my soul. how do i leave where should i go? i've been a runaway to long yet everywhere i go and rest my head i wake up in a different room. No i prefer you not to protect me and lie. lay the truth on the table let me swallow it down, let me break and crumble, is that not how i grow stronger. Will it ever stop? Will i ever be stronger? Can i ever just love and can love just love me?

Your Pipe

You change your clothes quickly...

You move faster than you come...

i see your scars marked on your chest...

the pipe you call your savior you pouch in your bra...

you barely rest, but when you do you fall hard...

i dont move you, i cover you...

i let you be...

for you let me be a long time ago...

when you chose to not raise me...

Thankful that im not alone, you gave birth to others...

they share what i share the worst on my brothers..

dont worry when your high, dont tell me stories! Dont panic nor cry!

you had a choice and that was clear

that pipe i envy, you always kept him near

your trophy, your purpose in life

to waste it how you will

too weak to let go, if you can not forgive, you can not heal

And surprisingly i love you still

dont let me bury you with the pipe in your hands

A painful diclosure you will be far gone to understand....

By: leslie denise romero

POem

This shell i stay trapped in, this body i use...

These hands will use as i stay abused...

Why ask questions, this is the picture...

Tell your lies, watch me go along in this mixture...

Not that i care for your betrayal...

However you will potray it...

Pain makes us vulnerable and weak..

Yet it is the begining of the Strength we seek...

Love does not fall at our feet...

Condems us to have hope in what is not...

Everything can be broken, more often our hearts...

Would we rather know truth or be comfortable where we are...

Truth is too excrutiating, comfort is more affordable, it is where We Are...

By Leslie Denise Romero